'Hurt' Series
by Farscape Maniac
Summary: *So this is the end, the final part* John tells a friend his pain. One possibility, one remembers, one regret. But is forgiveness the key?
1. He isn't coming back

"Hurt"  
  
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Part 1: He isn't coming back  
  
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~~~*~~*~~*~~~  
  
Being punched- hurts  
  
Being shot- hurts  
  
Being hit- hurts  
  
Being in love- hurts the most  
  
~*~  
  
  
  
He enters the bar with caution. He looks around as if he is taking in every detail. He walks straight to the back of the bar to a table in the shadows, a table where all can be seen with a turn of the head. I have no choice but to follow.  
  
Once we sit down a waitress comes. I place our orders.  
  
"The usual."  
  
It is the same everyday since things have calmed. Sleep, wake, eat, morn, bar, drink, sleep and so the process continues. Sometimes a little unexpected surprise drop into his 'schedule' but he gets over it and continues.  
  
He came back to us. His body did but his heart, his heart lies some place else. A place I have never visited or seen, a place that he mourns over everyday of the week, every hour of that day and every second of a minute. He says he doesn't miss it but I can tell he is lying. He misses things from his time up there. Another lifetime it seems.  
  
"A lifetime of hurt, regrets and torture." He told me.  
  
~*~  
  
He had been gone almost four years. I spent that much time going over everything. Every possible theory that might have led John to another world and away from our side was considered, but every time I presented something new to IASA they would dismiss it. John was as good as dead to them.  
  
He stepped out of his module, our module, Farscape One. I noticed he wore nothing but black. Black leather coat, black leather pants, and black shoes. His vest was red but it made no difference. He wore a 'pulse rifle', as he calls it, on his right thigh and one at his hip. A weapon? When did he ever wear a weapon? He made one request before landing and that was to see Jack. They let him. Jack cried but John, John showed no emotion. He said the words and he meant it but he showed no emotion even in his eyes. His blue eyes were duller than I remembered. His eyes use to draw attention but now they showed nothing. It was like the sun had died in him.  
  
The officials did tests on him, made sure he was 'our' John. He said, "Don't be too scared to find creatures crawling around the base of my skull or the fact that there's a large chunk of alien tissue in my brain." He said it calmly as if it was an everyday thing. The doctors were shocked despite the warning. Whatever John had warned them about was true, he wasn't joking and he didn't exaggerate. All he did was laugh when the scientists looked at him. A laugh that was lost, forced and at a point frightening. It sent shivers down my spine. I never remember him laughing like that. I remember a laugh that was boyish, comfortable and made everyone laugh with him. Now it was cold.  
  
He was asked questions.  
  
"How did you survive? Is there intelligent life? Is there danger?"  
  
And so the list went on. He answered the first three.  
  
"I didn't survive, 'Intelligent' life? It depends on what you mean. They have technology like no other." He pulled out the weapon from his hip; this made the officials and guards flinch not knowing what to expect. John on the other hand didn't seem to care and I think his mouth even twitched a little as if to form a smile but not really reaching that point. He aimed it at the ceiling and fired it. It was nothing I had ever seen, no bullet, nothing. It startled the officials.  
  
"See," was all he said as he put the gun back onto his hip. "Now for 'intelligent life'," he stopped as if thinking how to rearranging his sentences. "No. I wouldn't call it intelligent'. There are things, creatures, and enemies out there that want nothing more than power. That is not intelligent. As for danger, look at me and see for yourself. I have wounds that you don't want to hear about, I had wounds that would have killed me. I carry a weapon, weapons for security. You tell me now, is there danger? You answer that question."  
  
There were murmurs. Then whispered conversations. I looked at John from the back of the room. He had not seen me yet. His face still said nothing; his eyes said nothing. He sat patiently but his hand never far from his weapon as if it was out of habit. I didn't understand, what did he mean when he says he didn't survive, and enemies?  
  
It wasn't enough for the officials. They gave him a lie detector test. He aced it. No lies. He told them the whole story but I knew he was keeping things back; he had been tortured and had been hunted down. They kept him in custody for a week. He didn't show any signs of mental disorder, nothing like that. He ate, he slept, he didn't have a nervous breakdown, he didn't do anything unusual. It reminded me of the military, had John become more like a soldier than the scientist he was when he left? The only time when he showed any emotion was when they wanted to take his pulse rifles. He refused and almost lashed out in anger. Somehow he calmed himself down and told them no. He was allowed to keep them.  
  
They let him go home after that. Jack and him had missed four years, but it seemed more to them. When Jack asked for the full story John said he already told it. Jack didn't buy it. I had confronted Jack with what I thought and he agreed. Despite the pain and the torture he had received there was more to it. Something I couldn't quiet pinpoint, I left it at that though. He was back and that was all I cared.  
  
After the media and the chaos of everyone wanting to meet the famous John Crichton he asked for something that I thought was strange. He asked to be taken to his grave. I looked at him confused but took him there. I stood by the car while he stepped forward in front of his grave, staring at his deathbed, literally. He asked to be alone and I obeyed. I didn't hear his words but he said something, something that made him cry. It pained his heart; I could see it in his features. After that day he did nothing but sit around. The first couple of weeks he ate whenever possible, junk food I could think of. Pizza, beer and chocolate just to name the few. Those weeks were the only weeks I noticed he missed Earth luxuries. After that he became cold and distant.  
  
I asked Jack how he was at home. He said he was also isolated and bitter. The only emotions he saw was when Jack made a joke about John and underwear in the Uncharted Territories. Jack told me he saw him smile slightly to himself at some kind of private joke. The only other time was when Jack heard him crying silently to himself in his room late one night. He was holding something in his hand but Jack never saw what it was. He never confronted John about it, and neither did I.  
  
I tried to help him return to the old John. Took him to childhood places but getting no reaction from him. He just looked up at the sky. I then decided he needed a date and took him out on a double date. I didn't tell him, it was a surprise and he didn't like it. I learned quickly he had a short fuse. So I didn't try that approach again. He kept like that for months  
  
~*~  
  
However, tonight is different.  
  
He has already had four bottles of beer. When did he learn to drink so much and yet keep quite sober?  
  
"DK?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I didn't tell IASA or anyone the full story."  
  
"I know John." I say plainly.  
  
He looks up and smiles. A smile. A genuine smile. This I remember. "I know, that's why I'm going to tell you it now."  
  
I'm shocked at his statement but I nod my head. Curiosity gets the better of me.  
  
"Everything about Moya, Dargo, Chiana, Zhaan, Rygel, Stark, Jool, Pilot, Crais, Talyn, Scorpius and all the close encounters are true." I notice he says it with ease, names familiar to him but alien to me. "Aeryn however is an exception." He smiles a little to himself but then his face darkens again.  
  
"Aeryn?"  
  
"I was in love DK." In love? He never said that before, I've heard him say it when he was serious about Alex but never with that much heart. His words were happy, sad and plain all at the same time.  
  
"In love?" I prompt him.  
  
"Aeryn is your standard Peacekeeper when we met. She kicked my ass the first time we met." He smiles at the memory. He never said anything about that! "She basically hated my guts the first time we meet, I dragged her away from her 'home' with four simple words. 'You can be more'. She learned to trust the crew and vice versa. I never thought we were a couple. But throughout time things changed. There was the definite attraction. I made the moves and showed I was interested. She on the other hand never experienced emotion before and so it was her move that actually counted. We kissed at desperate times but after the life threatening dangers were over she would deny everything and I would have to be forced to agree upon it. So many times she pushed me away and so many times it hurt. I was forever on the receiving end and it hurt. It hurt to be played with like that. She would make a move and then dismiss it, like it was nothing, like I was a toy."  
  
I watch the emotions play on his face. For the first time back his eyes finally have a sparkle in them. I noticed it when he mentioned Aeryn's name the first time. His face turned form love to pain. How can one woman hurt John so much? He was disappointed when Alex rejected him but now...it was beyond that. There was more to it I could tell. And so I waited.  
  
"It is true I killed Aeryn when the neurochip took over my brain; I almost died at the thought that my guiding star was no longer guiding. But out of friendship a friend turned her life around and brought Aeryn alive. Zhaan was dying. Before she plunged into the cold depths of the lake she freely admitted her love to me and I didn't even hear it. I didn't even hear the three words I had waited to hear for three frelling years! She came back from the dead and she remained distant. She pushed me away again. Monens went by and nothing happened. I got twined."  
  
He stops at that and lets it sink into my head. He got twined? He sees the surprise on my face. He never mentioned it before.  
  
"I got twinned. Both alike, same memories, same DNA, same everything. I didn't tell IASA, I didn't see the point. Firstly because they would have liked to dissected me and found out for themselves and secondly because they won't accept me as John but as the copy, just like Aeryn."  
  
He painfully said the last bit.  
  
"What happened about * me* on Moya is true. But the other John, he got lucky. Aeryn and him loved each other. They were happy from what I heard. 'They were lovers'. But the universe wasn't happy. John stopped the Scarrans from having one step forward for the wormhole technology. The radiation killed him. The universe now had only one John again. Remember when I asked you to take me to my grave?"  
  
I nod  
  
"It wasn't me I was looking at. It was my twin. He died heroically and me? I'm still here like a frelling fool. Aeryn came back to Moya; I was an idiot, grinning like a dupe when she boarded. I didn't realize it until later that I missed that dance with her. I tried talking to her but she got angry with me. I was the copy to her. So I was pushed away again. I killed my enemy, Scorpius and she was the first to volunteer. At first I thought it was a glimpse of hope she might not hate me but later I found the thought she was doing this was to stop me from dying again of to have revenge hit me like a punch in the face. It was the truth and I faced it. We succeeded as I said before. Everyone left and so did she."  
  
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out coin.  
  
"This was the coin that made that decision, if she left or if she stayed. I told her fate would bring us together. I didn't believe it but now I wish upon it more than anything. My twin told me to give her time and I did. Sometimes I wonder if I did give her too much time. Out of all the things I wished I'd listen to myself say this was not one of them. When do I listen to myself? Huh? And yet when it came down to this I listened. Wrong timing. Wrong everything! She's pregnant with his child; she's alone. I didn't go and find her after that. Time, I gave it too her. Fate, I'm waiting to see."  
  
He drinks his fifth bottle of beer. I digest everything he has said to me. He was, no, still in love with Aeryn and he had regrets. Now I understand his answer: "A lifetime of hurt, regrets and torture." It didn't apply to Scorpius but to Aeryn. He had this pain in him for almost two years now. He never said a word.  
  
"Why didn't you say anything John?"  
  
He just shrugs his shoulders. He is drunk I can tell, so goes another night, something new but yet again I drag him out of the bar and back to his bed.  
  
~*~  
  
I go a see him the next morning but he is not there. Jack didn't hear him go out. I look on the dressing table and find a disk of some sort. A note beside it: instructions on how to use it. I activate it. Jack and I sit and watch the message. I never got a chance to tell Jack about last night but it doesn't matter anyway. John tells the whole story of his trip into the Uncharted Territories. Every detail, nothing missed. We sit for an hour watching the message.  
  
"DK, Dad. This message is the last I'm leaving you with. I never say 'good- byes' I leaned never to do that. Aeryn and I never use to do that, until the last time. I'm going back up there. I'm going to follow my heart. It's too painful to sit here and think of her. Everything reminds me of her and it is too hard for me. I see the pain I have caused in you, I'm sorry. Maybe one day I will be back but for now this is it. I guess stubbornness finally got to me because I'm going to find her and no one will stop me. Wish me luck and hope I don't get kicked across the galaxy," he laughs weakly. "I love you Dad. I will be back. Thank you DK for everything. You are no doubt the greatest friend anyone can wish for. I'll miss you guys."  
  
That is the end. I sit outside and look out at the stars that night. What did he see in those stars? Aeryn? Life? Love? I don't know but all I see as I sit here is John. Goodnight John, find Aeryn.  
  
That is all I have to say, John has guts, he follows his heart, and now he is once again running after that even though his wish for coming back home has been granted.  
  
I turn to Jack.  
  
"He isn't coming back."  
  
Jack simply nods.  
  
~*~  
  
Being punched- hurts  
  
Being shot- hurts  
  
Being hit- hurts  
  
Being in love- hurts the most  
  
~*~ 


	2. Coin of Fate

Yes I'm back with more! I have to admit when I first did this one it was suppose to be simple, on chapter thing. Now…well let's just say one thing lead to another. Chi again, what would I do without you? You are the biggest help and your beta reading means everything! Thank you for your reviews they are wonderful and what do you know they do work wonders because here I am posting another chapter! Welsh girl and S, yes you guys asked for it and I just couldn't say no so here it is. Thanks to Alison M. DOBELL, can, and parisindy. Your reviews meant the world to me! Okay that's about it I gonna stop there otherwise I'll go over the top. LOL. Enjoy this Chapter and if I get enough reviews and complainants for me to pick my pen up and write then you will be seeing another chapter.  
  
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Part 2: Coin of Fate  
  
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Many people walk into my bar. There are the gamblers, the troublemakers, and the broken hearted. But never anyone who has a goal in his or her life. Something to wake you up in the morning, something to live for, something they want to achieve. More importantly someone who has innocence still left in them.  
  
Yet miracles do happen. A man, a Peacekeeper by look but something more inside walked into my bar. He looked lost yet knowing which way to go. He sat at the end of the bar in the dark.  
  
I asked him what did he wanted. "Fellip nectar." He didn't even lift his head. His voice was calm, controlled and something else I couldn't quite pinpoint. But I nodded and got him his drink. Truthfully, I was intrigued by this character. Unfortunately so were many others in the bar.  
  
  
  
He sat with his shoulders slumped as if all the troubles in the universe were upon them. He was heartbroken. I'd seen that look on many people who have come and no doubt he was in that category. He had one hand on his drink and the other near his pulse rifle. Over protective? Scared? Or was it just out of plain habit? He sat defeated but never letting his guard down.  
  
His eyes however told a different story. They were blue, rarely have I seen blue eyes. When he walked in it showed nothing. Dull, boring and every other word relating to that. But later as he settled in and drowned his worries into his drink like so many others before him, there was more in them. He was thinking, a thinker. Thinkers rarely come by, and this was very interesting to see. I looked into his eyes. Every emotion thinkable could be seen in them. But hurt, regret and torture were the ones I recognized almost instantly. His eyes told a remarkable story. Without words you could see his whole life flash before him just with a look. Why was someone like this, someone who had a 'life' here in this part of the universe, more significantly why in this bar?  
  
  
  
When he reached into his pocket to get out a silver round disk the other drinkers flinched and reflectively put their hands on their weapons. I saw his mouth twitch up, a knowing smile planted onto his lips. He knew they had been watching him and calculating his moves, he was smart. He didn't say or move to indicate he knew just that except for the smile on his face. He ignored them. He sat there flipping the disk thing and twirling it. That was indeed strange but I didn't say anything. The only sound that could be heard was the mumbles by drunken customers and him disk flicking. He looked at it and then laughed lightly. What a strange thing to do, laugh at something as insignificant as that 'thing' in his hand. He rolled it and before it fell onto the floor I stopped it. He looked at me.  
  
"What is this?" I said indicating to the silver disk.  
  
"That is the 'Coin of Fate'." He moved over and now sat across me. I looked at him strangely. Coin of fate? He noticed my confusion. "That coin was the one I flipped to make a big decision."  
  
"You couldn't make the decision yourself? It couldn't of been that hard, unless of course it was your life but then why flip a coin?"  
  
"I left it up to Fate. No my life wasn't on the line, my heart was." His features darken. So this mysterious man was heartbroken. The simple 'coin' in my hand broke his heart. I tossed it back to him. He caught it. Then he moved back to the end of the bar and drowned in sorrow. So that was how he sat for what seemed a very long time but he just sat looking at the coin.  
  
  
  
One of the ladies at the back of the bar moved over to him. She was very eye catching, Sebecean and Peacekeeper. She didn't go by the rules though, she was too drunk and off 'duty'. He saw her and looked her over. Then he turned away. She didn't like the rejection and tried again. This time she was right next to him with her hand gently stroking his arm; he flinched slightly at the touch. I noticed his eyes were defensive and overshadowed by darkness. He did not like it. She tried again whispering into his ear. His jaw tightened and his fist clenched on the table. She slid her hand to his thigh stroking it then moved slowly towards its aim. He had enough; he grabbed her hand before it got too far. He was furious. He spoke through clenched teeth and told her to frell off. She looked at him and them walked out. With that scene I knew he was still in love. In love with someone so fully that he had objected to a Peacekeeper trelk who offered nothing but a one-night thing. He couldn't even take that.  
  
  
  
He thought that was the end of his troubles but there was more in store. Customers don't like newcomers, especially ones like him. They despised everything about him. Then again they could be bored. They walk up to him and he sighed, an indication to show he didn't really want to be disturbed. They stand next to him. A Luxan on one side and a Sheyang on the other. Nasty creatures. He didn't look at them and just said:  
  
"I don't want trouble, I'm not a Peacekeeper, I'm here for a drink and can you please leave me alone." He said those words as if they were practiced, as if the same mistake had been made over and over again. The Luxan laughed. He is confused.  
  
"Sheyang, you owe me a drink." The Sheyang groans and walks out. The Luxan looks at him. "I'm not here to disturb you. May I sit down?" John nods. "Buy you a drink?" Another nod.  
  
"You're a Luxan. I thought all Luxan had no sense of humor."  
  
The Luxan laughs. "No they do. But why do you think that?"  
  
"I meet a Luxan once. A good ally, and a good friend. He didn't have much of a sense of humor at first but now, I hope he has changed." His voice was pained.  
  
"I would like to meet this Luxan."  
  
He snorts. "I don't know where he is, maybe I'd find him too. Fate can't be too cruel, I hope." He mumbles the last bit. He mentioned something about finding and he used the word Fate again. Was it so important to him?  
  
He and the Luxan talked about this and that. I noticed he changed the topic ever so slightly when they talked about something he felt uncomfortable with. He would shift in his seat and ask a question totally unrelated. He had secrets and a past. From what I could tell they were happy yet sad. The Luxan got drunk and said a farewell and walked out. He was alone. I guess that was the way he liked it. Alone.  
  
  
  
He was the last to leave. He had three bottles of fellip nectar and was still so sober. No one else bothered him. He had replaced the coin in his hand with something else. I saw a tear ran down his cheek. Finally an emotion I could plainly say as pain. Whatever was in his hand, he was holding onto it like there was no tomorrow. He recovered, wiped the tears away, paid for the drink, got off the chair and started to walk out.  
  
I couldn't help myself. "Why are you here?"  
  
He turns around. "Because my life sucks, because I'm the copy and because I listened to myself. Hurt, regret and torture is all I have felt these years and I'm going to change that." He eyes held determination, sadness and unmistakably the pain."  
  
I nod. "Good luck."  
  
He turns around and walks out. That was the last I ever saw of him. I admire him; his strength even after he's life is turned backwards, even though he is broken hearted and even though he yet again felt the same pain, hurt and torture run through him again. He relived it with my simple question. It was true his life did flash in his eyes. I wish him all the luck, whatever he has to do. He is believe it or not, anything but a simple person, he was someone with a goal. 


	3. Knife Wounds

Can, Midnight, and Sassy you got fooled!! Okay not really it was a REAL mistake. This is what happens when you have to fanfics going on at the same time with a website going up as well!! The coffee did not help, anyhow this is the REAL chapter 3, no no joke this time. Cross my heart hope to die and the rest of it. Sassy, you crying yet?? If not be warned there will be tears!! God when I wrote this I cried! But then again I'm on an emotional rollercoster lately. Okay that's it…  
  
I got reviews and emails and so I had no other choice but to do this. No don't get me wrong this is VERY cool!  
  
Welsh girl, Brian612, Giton, Angel, and Jamie yes you guys want more. So here is currently more but there will be more more (hope you guys got that!). Your wishes have been granted!!  
  
Now, Angel this is definitely payback!! ( My turn to make you cry!! Hehe!!) Jamie, thanks for that email really helped me!! As for work, hmmm...I really need a break but it looks like I'd be working my butt off for a while so no chance of that soon. But thank you for your 'readable' comment, it really meant something to me especially since I'm a new timer fanfic writer.  
  
Tabby (now has a pen name: Inspired), my friend. You like this?? You really do?? I'm shocked seeing you can't stand my Farscape things. But now you can't say much about my writing! LOL!  
  
PhoebeADA sorry I didn't get to 'thank you' you last time. I had already posted the second chap. Before I saw your review so this is my thank you to you.  
  
Ahhh...the wonderful Miss Chi. What in the world would I do without you?? Thank you for your input even though it was 'You have to make Aeryn and John kiss and makeup.' Not exactly the words but you get it.  
  
As for happy ending...if I feel cruel be warned there will be not be a happy one, if I feel on top of the world I will make them kiss and make up. Oh that was also for you Welsh girl! Yeah I know I love J/A shippy stories but I never said they were all good, plus good angst works for me too. But then again if I don't I can see all shippers everywhere wanting to kill me...DAMN! Huh, well we will just have to see how things go.  
  
  
  
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Part 3: Knife Wounds  
  
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I walked towards her; her hair pulled up in the usual braid. I call over to her and she forces a smile. I smile back. A man in Peacekeeper uniform walked in. I didn't take notice of him, didn't think he was much. That was until he called out a name. Aeryn walked towards me, we had stayed in the place for over a weeken. We had packed and was ready to leave to 'settle down'.  
  
"Aeryn."  
  
She froze on the spot at the sound of his voice. I watched the emotions play on her face. Longing, scared and hurt. She closed her eyes as if trying to rid the feeling in her. A dream she told herself.  
  
He called out again. "Aeryn?"  
  
By this time she knew it wasn't a dream. The voice was real and it affected her in so many ways. For the first time I saw hope in her eyes. I didn't think that was a raw emotion. Yet here she was showing just that.  
  
She had never told me about her past. All I know is that she was Peacekeeper and lived on a ship named Moya for three cycles. That was all. She kept it brief, locked it away inside and never mentioned it. I asked her occasionally testing her. Seeing if she would tell me but every time I asked she dismissed or changed the topic. All I knew was, her past hurt. I see it in her eyes when she mentions it. She tries to forget but it's always there, inside. One thing she kept from her past was a locket. It wasn't significantly beautiful but she treasured it, she held on to it as if it was her lifeline.  
  
She turned around after he called her name the second time.  
  
"Fancy meeting you here, Sunshine." He gave her a grin but his frightened feeling, fearfulness and uncertainty were no doubt there. He was ready for the unexpected.  
  
She breathed in the name, 'Sunshine'. It was important to her. "Joh…Crichton," Her voice wavered at the start causing every emotion to pour out into it but she composed herself; she stood straight, shoulders firm, Peacekeeper style. I saw him wince slightly when she called him 'Crichton'. "You look well," she kept it simple, formal and never showing what was truly beating inside of her.  
  
"Um…yeah, you don't look bad yourself," he seemed unsure.  
  
"What are you doing here Crichton?" her voice was cold, or as cold as it could be with the emotion bubbling inside of her.  
  
His features told me that he felt as if a knife was touching the skin just outside of his heart. Not hurt but afraid. "I came looking for you."  
  
"Why Crichton? Why? You said to leave it up to fate so why are you looking for me?" She was no longer calm. The anger was boiling over the top. I had never seen her like this, the side of Aeryn Sun I have never seen.  
  
He grew silent for a while then asked. "Are you happy Aeryn? Are you truly happy?"  
  
She looked straight into his eyes. "Yes I am truly happy."  
  
That knife against his skin plunged deeper. Cutting into flesh. He wasn't afraid, he felt disappointed.  
  
Then he started to talk answering her first question. "I looked for you for a cycle now. A cycle to ask you if you regretted anything, if you wish to take back anything but I guess that's useless. You are happy, I'm happy you are."  
  
I saw hear breathing hitch. This man was important to her. Very important. "Why didn't you stay on Earth?"  
  
"Earth?" He chuckled lightly to himself. "Sure I went back but there wasn't much I wanted there. I was lost, nothing to guide me. No star. So I came back despite danger, despite Dad and DK to find answers to my questions. I got them…" He stopped and then looked confused. "How did you know I went to Earth?"  
  
She swallowed a lump that had formed in her throat. The tears almost overflowing, I've never seen her cry. "I had heard." She said simply.  
  
"So you don't regret anything?" He asked quietly not really wanting to know the answer. He knew what she would say.  
  
She shook her head. If she spoke the tears would flow and her voice would not mask the emotion in her.  
  
"That's what I thought. I regret everything though. Letting you leave, and asking that question." The knife was inserted further. "I'm glad your happy Officer Sun. I'm glad you don't regret anything in your life unlike mine. Good bye." He turned to leave.  
  
"Frell you Crichton!" She yelled at his retreating back. "Frell you for everything! You promise me you would NEVER say that to me!" The tears were now streaming down her cheeks.  
  
"I promised you a lot of things. I promised you to feel; you have that. I promised you, you would be safe; you have that. I promised you to love." There was a pause. "You had that too. But goodbye…it's the end Officer Sun. I got my answers and I'll move on." He didn't turn around through the whole speech. This man 'Crichton' promised a lot; a Peacekeeper would never do that. He was not one but he had the qualities. When he did turn his face was cold and angry. His eyes sparkled with tears. His fists clenched by his sides. Yes, the knife was edging towards his heart. The pain was starting to show. He reframed from screaming.  
  
"What now? You're going to leave? Give up?"  
  
"I came back for you! You obviously don't care that it hurts! Don't you know?? It hurts to be me! To be in love with you, to have watched you die and then found you alive. To be referred to as the frelling copy! I didn't feel like the copy but now…I don't know, maybe I was, I am. Maybe we just weren't meant to be together."  
  
"'He' would have never said that!" Aeryn strained the words I noticed.  
  
He slumped his shoulders and let out a sigh. "No he wouldn't." His voice was calm and quiet. "You know why? Because 'he' was not the copy. He did not lose the love of his life to himself and he did not feel what I have felt for two cycles. I give up simple as that."  
  
Aeryn's face still showed no emotion only for the tears but her eyes, they twinkled with the tears. But beyond that held horror. He had said it but she would not give him the benefit of the doubt she would not lose this fight. "You are not the John Crichton I know!"  
  
"You really think you know 'me' Officer Sun? You think you know me? You pushed me around for three cycles. Everything was my fault, every move was wrong. If I tried something nice, you would kick my ass. You denied anything between us and what did I do? I left it. And then things got complicated. I should have seen it coming but I was blinded by the love. A powerful weapon. You didn't know me. You didn't know the pain." His face was cold. It would surprise Peacekeepers. But no, the emotions, Peacekeepers don't have that. He was most definitely not Peacekeeper material.  
  
Aeryn said nothing. Beside the tearstains her facial features matched Crichton's.  
  
"The ball was in your court the whole time, Officer Sun. Whatever move you made I followed, end of story."  
  
"Don't call me 'Officer Sun'. I'm no longer a Peacekeeper remember, Crichton changed that." She referred him as a third person.  
  
He smiled sadly. "Yes, he did," there was hesitation. "Miss Sun." He walked over and placed two things in her hand. "These kept me going till now. The ball is in my court now; I'll leave because you are happy, content without me. Goodbye, Miss Sun."  
  
He turned and walked out. He stopped at the doorway. "Can you honestly say you don't love me?"  
  
There was hesitation in her voice. "I did…" The knife plunged right to the end of his heart. Right through. It killed him there and then. But he walked through the door with his head up, his shoulders square, and with confidence.  
  
Once he left she fell to the floor. Crying so hard that her body shook. I wrapped my arms around her. In her hand she held on to a disk and a lock of hair. Her hair. She shook her head either to forget or in disbelief. She turned her head to me. Her eyes said it all. I nod.  
  
I asked her, "If things were different…"  
  
"I would still be a Peacekeeper."  
  
I let her go. Crichton was her past. One she couldn't let go of. It was just like the locket of hers. He had been her every wish, dream and hope. She held onto him for support, she held him when she felt weak. That was everything. I never heard her say she loved me. Those words I know now where reserved for another heart. I know I lost her, but I never really had her. She loves John Crichton. A competition I cannot compete in. They have something special. I was never her top priority; John Crichton was no matter if he was the original or the copy. They were the same to her. She knew but stubbornness stopped her. She will not make the same mistake twice but will he forgive her? 


	4. Fragile hearts, forgiveness and lessons

______________________________________  
  
Part 4: Fragile hearts, forgiveness and lessons  
  
______________________________________  
  
~*~  
  
Live that moment,  
  
Seize the moment,  
  
Remember the moment,  
  
And forever treasure that moment.  
  
~*~  
  
  
  
I'm not much of a romantic person but I guess there are miracles. I never believed in marriage, soul mates or…love. But things change. People change with time with what they see, hear, learn and touch. This is how I learnt that there is love, that there are miracles and that there is always hope. I learned this from two simple people. Simple?? No not simple, simple by look but deep inside much more than that. They had a lifetime to deal with love and yet they had no idea how to control it. I learned a lesson I have never been taught before. The simple lesson of hope.  
  
  
  
"John!"  
  
I turned around from where I stood and saw a Peacekeeper in front of the hotel door calling out a name. I looked again and saw that she is not one, no, she may have dressed the same as any other Peacekeeper that I have seen but there were tearstains on her cheeks. Peacekeepers aren't supposed to show that kind of emotion. I turned my head to another Peacekeeper. He turned when his name was called out. He saw who it was and turned back and started to walk back down the road.  
  
"I did and I do." That was all she said to his back. It got his attention and he turned back.  
  
"I will always."  
  
"I know." She said softly. She walked up to him. He turned around fully now. Hope could be seen through the crystal blue eyes of his. Love was shouting out to the women in front of him and hurt screamed through them as if he had died and been brought back from the dead. She cupped his face in her hands and looked straight into his eyes. She kissed him slowly as if afraid of the rejection. He kissed back, hungry for her kiss. Then he pulled back. A shock to the women's face. Her eyes spelling out confusion.  
  
"No Aeryn. I can't." He pulled back with regret and determination. It took a lot of his strength to do that. It seemed a war between his heart and common sense. "No. This is wrong."  
  
The women known as Aeryn looked at the man known as John. "Wrong?"  
  
"I can't let you do this to me. You kissed me before and after that there was rejection, pain and hurt. I can't live through that again. I won't survive it."  
  
Aeryn looked at him and said nothing for a while. She just looked at him as if examining him, daring him to say it again. She finally spoke. "What are you saying? You came to find me and you're going to leave? All this for nothing."  
  
"No! God, no, Aeryn, I just, I'm not sure. I'm not sure if you really love me or you see 'him' instead of me. I don't know if this time you'll go off again and I let you and never see you again. I just don't know." He had by this time turned away heading towards a bench in the market place. He buried his head in his hands. "I really don't know what to do." He mumbled more to himself.  
  
"John why did you really come back and find me?" Aeryn said as she sat next to him.  
  
He kept his head in his hands. "I already told you. Everything I said was true."  
  
"Everything I said was not."  
  
This caught his attention again. "You're happy right?"  
  
"Yes, but not the happiest." She lifted a locket from her vest and took it away from the place around her neck. It wasn't anything worth to keep. No value in price or beauty. In my words: ugly. But the women seemed to treasure it. She placed it in her hand and moved it so it was in front of the man's face within eyesight. "Open it."  
  
He turned and looked at her confused. But obeyed her command. He picked it up and placed it into his hand and the lock opened with a click. Surprise filled his face. He looked at her again.  
  
"I fixed the lock," as if answering his silent question. He nodded and opened the lid slowly. "The picture of the love of my life." She said it calmly and softly afraid the people around them would hear.  
  
He closed the lid and suddenly found the dirt very interesting. "John."  
  
Aeryn shook her head. "No, him, you, the John Crichton. You are the love of my life. Always have been, always will."  
  
He didn't say anything after that. He gave the locket back to the women and then got up again. He began pacing in front of the women. Her eyes followed him, watching him move from left to right then right to left.  
  
"You hurt me Aeryn, in so many ways. I don't know about you but I can't stand that. Human hearts are fragile things to play with, *my * heart is too fragile for that." He stopped and looked at her once then continued to walk back towards the path he had walked on before the women called him.  
  
The women stared at him bewildered. From the look on her face she had no idea that was going to happen. The change in her features was so dramatic. In half a microt it changed from bewilderment to rage. She got up and knocked him onto his back on the ground. He never expected the attack.  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you Aeryn! You can't have me and you don't *want* me, so what? You're gonna shoot me??"  
  
"Do not tempt me." She said through clenched teeth.  
  
The man let out a sigh. "We don't want that to happen now do we." He muttered under his breath sarcastically.  
  
In one movement the woman unholsters her pulse rifle and aims it at his head. "As I said, do not tempt me."  
  
The man looks right into the woman's eyes. "I hope you are happy Miss Sun. I hope you are very very happy." He made it sound like his final sentence. The last breath he would breathe and the last sight he would see.  
  
The women looked back at him. "Why do you always want my happiness??"  
  
"Because I care." He replied gently.  
  
The women got up and walked away from him just a bit. The man is left on the ground wondering what he did to change her decision.  
  
"That's the frelling problem with you! You care about everyone but yourself. You went to the Gammak Base to get me a peripheral nerve and you knew how much trouble you could get in if anyone found out. Then you went to Scorpius in exchange for Jothee. They are only two out of so many things that you did, that you sacrificed because you frelling care. Every time we broke down, every time we needed help. Every single time there was trouble for us you were there, right beside us, holding us up when needed. You stood by and gave us hope. We trusted you John because you gave us something we never thought was possible to give. We trust you. *I * trust you."  
  
The women turned around. Her face held a strange glow of determination. Her eyes held memories that had rushed back to her when she explained her frustration with the man.  
  
"You showed us how to look beyond the barriers we had put up. You broke into them, making them fall apart and made them look ridiculous. You didn't stop there, you pushed on further and deeper. You are the cause of our pain, frustration, togetherness, friendship and love."  
  
She said those words with meaning. There was history behind those words. A past of things that held strong with the woman. So strong, that they both reacted the same way. The man had not gotten up, he had listened to every word the woman had said. From what I could see on his face it was something new to him. He hadn't expected it to happen yet somehow he knew it should of. It was a weird combination. Something I couldn't explain and still can't.  
  
I watched the woman's face. I noticed her face had changed since she turned around. That last bit, she referred it to 'we' but there was more. Yes, a whole lot more. She no longer meant it as a group of people. She meant her. She spoke through the heart. From her own heart straight to another. Straight to the man on the ground.  
  
"What will it take to convince you, John Robert Crichton, that I Aeryn Sun do love *you *. Not the one on Talyn, not the one on Moya but you. The one who turned my life into chaos, taught me things that I have never been taught. You showed me a life and I don't know how to repay you. All I know is I love you. I have loved you and I will."  
  
He got up and walked over to her. He walked with strength. Somehow the sun in him was lit up and he now had the energy to hold his head high without hesitation and his eyes glittered and filled up with the words she spoke out. He reached out a pushed back a strand of her hair. The simple gesture was gentle, loving and careful.  
  
"I'm sorry Aeryn."  
  
"You are always sorry John. For once stop it, I'm the one that should be sorry. I am the one that made you feel the hurt you feel now. So don't be sorry."  
  
The two was lost in each other's sounds and touch. Their world only existed. A world were two people, so different to each other in more than one way, loved each other, cared for each other and ultimately would die for the other's safety and happiness. Something I would have never done.  
  
  
  
They were so lost in their grief, torture and hurt that they had no idea there was a fight forming behind them. The fight was quickly turning into more than a verbal fight, weapons where pulled out. It was going to get ugly.  
  
  
  
John reached out and caressed Aeryn's check. He pushed a strand of hair behind her ears. She leaned into his hand and closed her eyes. I could tell she treasured that moment. It was a familiar moment for both of them, they knew every line of each other's face. The wrinkles, the scars and the one's that have been caused by the power of love. They lived that moment, drunk that moment till they were both drunk, they seized that moment and they will forever remember it.  
  
"I've missed you Aeryn, I missed you so much that I couldn't care if the world fell to the ground that moment. You mean too much to me." He now rested his forehead against her, his voice barely a whisper. "But I have to know, I have to know if is me and not him."  
  
Aeryn opened her eyes at his question, the uncertainty shined in his eyes. "You think too much John." Instead of answering his question verbally she decided this man needed to be taught a lesson. She grabbed him forcefully in her hands and crushed her lips against him. Even if he wanted to move away he couldn't. The woman was too strong. She pulled back, her lips still brushing his. "What do you think?"  
  
  
  
I turned my attention away from the couple. The fight behind them was getting bad. Many people started to walk away afraid they would be caught in the crossfire. However the two never noticed, too enraptured in their world. That was probably why it happened, fate must have it planned, planned it at the wrong moment.  
  
  
  
"Aeryn-" He was cut off by a gun shot. It wasn't the sound that made him stop, it was were it hit that made him stop. He looked down and sure enough on his right leg there was a newly founded wound. "Ah crap!" He collapsed to the ground. Aeryn followed him to the floor.  
  
"John?" Her voice was panicked, afraid she would lose him again. As if it had happened once before. "John!"  
  
"Ah god, nothing's easy. You know the hero is suppose to get the girl and live happy not get SHOT IN THE FRELLING LEG!" His patience was wearing him out. "Frell you fate! Frell you." He rubbed his face with his hands and whispered, "I feel like dren."  
  
The woman laughed through the tears. The tears were for the fear that she thought she had lost him but now that was replaced with laughter. The laugh made the man look up at her.  
  
"John you are the worst luck in the whole universe."  
  
"Don't I know it. Completely bad luck."  
  
"Well not all completely bad, you did 'get the girl'." He tried to keep his eyes open, he was loosing an excessive amount of blood. Aeryn placed in his hand the lock of hair. She bent over to him and whispered in his ear. "Fate no longer will be cruel John. I've had enough, I don't ever want to be alone again, and I don't ever want you to leave me." She took out a disk of some sort, silver and round. She threw it and it landed in front of me. "And if you ever think of making a decision by using a coin think again. Follow the heart John, follow the heart." She placed pressure on his wound to stop the blood from flowing. His face scrunched up in pain.  
  
  
  
I picked up the 'coin' and looked at it. A 'coin'. It wasn't worth to sell. I examined it and placed it in my pocket. A little solid proof that I was there and I did learn a lesson. I turn my attention back to the couple.  
  
  
  
The man looked at the women. He said three words before he slipped into unconsciousness that made her heart leap with joy. The three words she had longed to hear since she had broken, wounded, pained, stabbed and hurt his heart.  
  
"I forgive you."  
  
~*~  
  
Live that moment,  
  
Seize the moment,  
  
Remember the moment,  
  
And forever treasure that moment.  
  
~*~ 


	5. From my heart...

The end has come, the end of an remarkable journey. It was a joy too write this but, man am I glad it is finally over!! *Lets the biggest sigh of relief * I hope you guys loved it as much as I loved writing it. It is a journey I'm glad I took and now enough of my emotional attachment for the fic and on to the people who supported, read, reviewed (!!), and loved it from the start.  
  
Sassy Lion: Late on the notes but Your beta reading was wonderful!! Loved it and I'm glad I found you!! Can't wait for more beta from you!! Thank you with the biggest thanks!!  
  
The biggest thanks would have to go to Chi. The wonderful, amazing, and extraordinary person who helped with the story to make it what it is today and was. Thank you so much Chi. I'm so glad you are my beta reader!!  
  
Now for my reviewers and people who would not let me stop! LOL! You guys made this possible and gave me the energy to write write write. So in order of reviews, the 'Hurt' reviewers.  
  
1. Can: I'm glad you enjoyed the story and I'm glad I continued it. Your reviews were lovely!! Your comments really helped me along. Thank you Can! :)  
  
2. Angel: Have you stopped crying yet??!! LOL! Glad you enjoyed my fic. Love your stories too. I'm glad you got off your butt to review too!! See what reviews can do??  
  
3. Sassy Lion: I never got those 'notes' Sassy, did you send them?? And I made you cry too!!! *does a little dance* Glad you loved it! Love your reviews!!  
  
4. Welsh Girl: You made me do it!! You made me write!! Thanks!! LOL!! Got ya worried didn't I?? Hehe!! I got myself worried too!! :) Love your reviews!! Oh, and you got your happy ending, well except for the John getting shot bit!!  
  
5. Brian612: You *almost* shead a tear??!! Oh come on cry!! Cry I tell you!! LOL!! Glad you wanted more. Your one of those that 'MADE ME DO IT!!' Thanks a bunch.  
  
6. Nova: No, thank you! Your support really helped me. Giving you a whoopee thanks!  
  
7. Parisindy, S, PhoebeADA, Ch, Gilton, Midnight Obsidian, Loriel Eris, LF, and Jamie the readers who reviewed! *Looks at the people who didn't with an evil eye* You guys helped a bunch!! *blows all a kiss*  
  
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!! :)  
  
Now for the thoughts I had throughout this. Remember when you were scared that I was gonna kill them, remember the feeling?? The feeling was true. I was gonna kill him. (I'm gonna get killed by SACC aren't I??) Anyhow your lucky I changed my mind. He only got shot and they got together. (I would of had Shippers come after me if I made them mad at each other!) So that's it. My thoughts. May I just say they were all evil too?? Scary...  
  
Now a sequel, ARE YOU KIDDING??!! A SEQUEL???!! What do you think I am?? A goddess?? Geezz! I don't think I'll have the time! I've got tests all three weeks!! But I'll think about it, and if things calm down then there just might be that chance.  
  
That's it. All done. All finished and filed away in the fanfic place. I leave you all with:-  
  
"The uncertain will always be the most dangerous..."  
  
~ * ~ Farscape Manaic ~ * ~ 


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